"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko)
08/22/2014 at 21:44 • Filed to: jalopniks mysteries solved | 19 | 13 |
As many of you know, Doug DeMuro is moving from Atlanta to Philly. He hasn't told us why yet, but I'm sure that he is writing about it in the third person as we speak. However, what he will tell you is all lies. I have conducted my own investigation into this and what I have found is nothing short of gobsmacking. Be warned that reading any further may cause you to question your own reality.
6/13/2014: 11:30 am, at Gawker HQ, Matt Hardigree is watching various rally porn with Raphael Orlove and Travis Okulski. 11:32 am, Matt receives a text message from an unknown number, "You know who this is. We need Torch in Philly." Matt responds, "Torch is MIA in Africa. What's going on?" "Our detectors are getting readings off of the charts." "We can send DeMuro." "Who?" "Doug DeMuro, he wrote a book you know." "Wait. Wasn't he fired?" "Yeah, but he had some dirt on me, you know how it is." "Dirt? Ok, but when can he get up here?" "His Land Rover is in the shop, so, Wednesday?" 1:30 pm, Matt texts Doug DeMuro, "Pack your shit, CarMax in Philly has a surprise waiting for you."
6/19/2014: 12:30 pm, Doug DeMuro arrives at Philadelphia International Airport. A man with long slicked back hair in a black suit wearing a black skinny tie, white shirt and sunglasses is holding a sign for, "DeDouchbag." Doug walks up to him and says, "Hi, I'm Doug. I wrote a book, you know." The man holding the sign groans and takes Doug's bags and the two walk out to a black Lincoln Town Car where the man throws the bags in the trunk, gets into the front passenger's seat and Doug gets in the back seat. Another man is sitting in the driver's seat wearing the same outfit but he has an afro. The man in the passenger's seat pulls out a gun and turns to face the back as the car speeds away. 1:00 pm, The Town Car arrives at CarMax. The three men exit the car laughing hysterically and walk into the showroom. A man in a CarMax uniform greets them, "Well, well, well, you must be Doug DeMuro. Nice to finally meet you. Come this way." They walk into the manager's office and the CarMax employee locks the door behind them. He picks up the phone and dials 8. The room begins to sink down below the ground. The room finally stops moving and the door opens to reveal a large, underground cubicle office complex. "Welcome to the CarMax Underground Command. Vincent and Jules, you are wanted by Winston, you may go now." The two suited men leave down an aisle. The man in the uniform continues, "As you know, we've been getting strange readings on an object. We need you to take a look at this." The two walk down a hall until the come to a series of rooms. They walk up to room 420, Doug says, "Your E36 driving friend would find this very amusing as he rips his bong at an autocross." The man stops, "This is your room until you come up with an answer. The object is in there. Good luck." Doug enters the room.
6/21/2014: 3:00 am, Doug leaves the room. The man is waiting for him outside, "Well do you have an answer?" "Yes I do," Doug hands him a piece of paper and a copy of Plays With Cars . "The fuck is this?" the man says. "It's a book I wrote, and the answer to your question written in 615 words with plenty of humor and side tangents." "You're a strange man, Doug. But you have figured it out." "I have?!?!?" "Yes, this was all a test. Matt Hardigree and I have agreed that you should abandoned you coke enterprise and move here to help us out." "What's the catch?" "Well, you'll still be writing for Jalopnik but also working with us in the mysterious objects claims." "What's it pay? I've got a Ferrari, you know." "It pays whatever you need it to pay, you just have to cover the first 50 bucks yourself and we'll take care of the rest for the next 3 years. Do we have a deal?" "Fuck yes we have a deal." "When can you start?" Well I have some business to attend to in Monaco and all of the moving arrangements to deal with, how about in three months?" "Sounds good, see you then." The man motions his hand and Jules and Vincent come and forcefully remove Doug from the premises.
Birddog
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 21:55 | 0 |
That pic makes DD look like Clarkson with a crew cut.
Leadbull
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 21:57 | 2 |
I thought he was doing this to write a Jalopnik article entitled, "Crossing The Piedmont In A Ferrari 360 And Then Promptly Selling It".
It's all for the job. And by job, I mean tax deductions.
jkm7680
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 21:57 | 0 |
Seems legit enough.
Tom McParland
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 21:58 | 1 |
There is no CarMax in Philly...which is why I think Doug is delaying his move.
Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
> Tom McParland
08/22/2014 at 21:59 | 1 |
http://www.carmax.com/enus/locations…
Soloburrito
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 22:01 | 0 |
Oppo's Digest
Tom McParland
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 22:04 | 1 |
yeah that's close enough... :D
Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
> Tom McParland
08/22/2014 at 22:05 | 0 |
That's why it took them about 30 minuets to get there from the airport.
Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 22:11 | 0 |
Am I this "Vincent"?
PatBateman
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/22/2014 at 22:33 | 0 |
Poor Doug...
The Compromiser
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/23/2014 at 09:32 | 2 |
Heres a question i have always wondered about; the secret room to the underground. The one that is full of people. How does everyone else get there?
Does everyone pile into the room at 8am like a japanese subway? Who pushes the 8? What if you are running behind? Do they wait or does the room make a second trip? What about smokers? Here they have to go outside to light up. Is the same rule in place in Pennsylvania? If so, do they take the room up to go for a smoke? Is the room for VIPS, bosses and DeDouches only? Why? Assuming this situation, the worker bees would need employee entrances (on times, lates, smokers, etc). These would be camouflaged as well? If the room is full of workers, there would be a lot of hidden entrances, or a few big ones? If there were only a couple of smaller ones, wouldn't the linup every morning to get in be suspicious? They go in and no one comes out? Is the cleaning lady in on it? What if she accidentally hits the 8 button while cleaning? Assuming that she is in on it, does she have to clean the room twice ( once per floor). If she isn't in on it and the room is dropped after she cleans it, does the downstairs cleaner do it again? Is there a cleaning checksheet on the back of the door? What do they think if there is a signature in the slot for that day/time already from someone they don't know? What is under the room to prevent people from being under it when it comes down? If it's exposed gears and such, isn't that not really pleasing for the staff to look at and potentially smell, while the room is up 99% of the time? Hmmmmm.
Funny story BTW. These are the types of things that I think about. They keep me up at night.
ranwhenparked
> Tom McParland
08/23/2014 at 10:37 | 0 |
There's also a local chain called CarSense that's pretty similar, just on a much smaller scale.
Fleetwood T. Brougham
> Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/24/2014 at 16:34 | 0 |
He has a Ferrari?